As humans why can't we listen to wise words better? Why do we believe we will get a different result than those who have tried before us? I suppose it is for those moments when the chance we take proves the others wrong. However, one thing has proven true thus far; some things are better left in the past.

Maybe it was my expectations that ruined it for me.... maybe I foolishly thought things could be the way they were. In this instance, I romanticized  a situation which didn't turn out at all the way I fantasized it would. Don't get me wrong, I asked and I received. Not all those who put themselves out there get what they are asking for. I got what I asked for... but it didn't live up to what I'd hope it'd be. Which makes it my fault, perhaps. My fault for building it up in my mind before I had anything to go on.

It all got me thinking about how nothing will ever be the way it use to be. I look through photos I took with friends over the years and it fills me with happy reminiscent feelings. I look at where we all are now and we have all taken such different paths. Paths that only lead us away from one another. No matter how bad you want to hold onto them you lost them a long time ago. No one is who they were in those moments captured on camera. Most chances are things will never be the same. There are, of course, the instances where timelines meet once again and things are even better the second time around! Lucky bastards.

How does one accept the fact that what they long for present day cannot happen and they must settle for memories? Of course they can make new friends and create new memories... and in time look back on that as well. How do we make it last? Who actually has real friends anymore that they see frequently or speak to often outside of school, work, or the internet? Why does life have to be so busy that it gets in the way of real human interaction and building bonds? Is there anyone out there who would choose to make the time to cherish the relationships they have?

I miss the day where companionship mattered.

Just The Tip

I have been overwhelming myself with decisions and answers I can't possibly make or have yet. So much is left unwritten. With that said, I was talking to my friend about it. I was telling him how part of me wants to spread my wings and fly while the other part of me wants to stay put. I also went on to talk about sacrifices, regrets, and how much say we have in what is "meant to be". I mentioned how I struggle to stay happy being in one place but how being in one place is what I need right now. However, my internship abroad in London may be the escape I need before I return to finish my degree. My friend, who is EXACTLY like me, then responded with a statement that couldn't be any truer.



 "trust me...we are both built the same way. You have a taste of London for 3 months you are going to want to extend it for a year and then if you get lucky and land a permanent contract, which I am sure you can, you will take it....we don't do well with just the tip, we want the whole damn thing lol"

Silenced Stories

When was the last time you passed a cemetery and considered the stories each tomb stone represents? Every stone marks a life lived. Granted, not all who are there lived full lives, but for those who did, what tales would they tell if they could? What did they live through? Were they a part of any social movements? Wars? Or politics? Did they contribute to society or take from it? Imagine what we could learn just from listening.

Sorry if this is a bit scrambled...

Published June 12th 2011
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I can't help but to have a fascination with the dead and after life. When I was four and a half I had my first paranormal experience after my mother passed away.  Since then I have experienced many different kinds of encounters.

I often ponder what happens to us when we die.  I know energy never ceases to exist and we are made up of energy. But, what happens to our energy? What happens when we no longer inhabit a home (the body) that supplies us with senses and consciousness? As of right now our energy is attached to earth and when earth ends our energy will then survive elsewhere in the universe. Our energy lives on and in that sense we are immortal... but is our energy our soul? Do we even have souls? If there are such things as "inteligient hauntings" where the dead are aware of their surroundings as they inhabit earth, what will happen to them when earth no longer exists? I can't even begin to imagine what the other side may or may not look like and if we can even see it, feel it, sense it?

When I watch Ghost Adventures and they speak out loud to the spirits asking "is there anybody in the room with me right now?" how can it be assumed that the other side looks anything like the room they are in? I understand asking that question is part of trying to figure it all out and that they want to understand the other side just as much as I do... without dying. I ask the same dumb questions when I do investigations as well.

I try to imagine all the tests that have been conducted over the years to prove the existence of the soul. I also think about the scientists trying to raise the funds to conduct new, more advanced tests.  I think about the mystery behind death as well.  Think of all the things we can do with science. We have neurogensis with suspended animation and the regrowth of dead brain tissue. We can regrow the brains of comatose head trauma patients until they wake up and walk around again. We can transplant organs, use stem cells to help organs become like-new again. We can do so much - EXCEPT- bring a perfectly healthy body back to life. Even if the organs and everything were in perfect working condition there is no way (as of yet) that we can bring life back into the body.  Why? Does this show us that there is more than just a working engine (our body) that is needed to give us life? If so, what is it? Where does it go when we die? And how can we try to get it back?

I also wonder if the hadron collider is going to help us discover more about the after life or alternate universes?

I could bring many other questions, theories, and thoughts up... but I prefer human interaction on the subject.

All I do know is that life is a miracle. Every day that we awake to another is a blessing.  We are never promised tomorrow. Anything at anytime can and sometimes will happen to you. There is no "eh, it'll never happen to me."  You never know what is going to happen. Nothing is certain and nothing is forever. Knowing this I appreciate life, all life, and the short amount of time I have to be a part of something bigger.

Where do I go from here?

Published May 29th 2011
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My boyfriend and I watched seasons 1-4 of Ghost Adventures on netflix.  We did this in a weeks span.  I decided to start following Zak Bagans, Nick Groff, and Aaron Goodwin on both facebook and twitter.  I also watched interviews with them on youtube.  All of this has really got me thinking about my future.  How can I do what I really love? How can I make the kind of money where my boyfriend and I can travel the world and have more time to spend together and with family?
The guys of Ghost Adventures have it made.  Three great friends getting paid to travel and do something they love.  Not only are they being paid to do something they love and to travel, but they have been able to start side projects that are successfull because of the names they have made for themselves.  And on their time off from shooting they get to experience whatever they want because they can afford to.  I want this. I have always wanted this.

How can I achieve this? What path should I take to be heading in that direction?
I want to be involved with entertainment. I want to get paid to travel and afford to have Ryan join me in my travels. I want to make a name for myself and have a fan base I can connect with. I want to afford to take time off and spend time with family and close friends and travel the world.I want to make a difference.  I want to create compelling art that will make people think and feel.

As I get older I start losing hope that I will ever reach my dreams.  When I was younger I felt as though anything was possible.  Now, I just don't know.  Are people born "special" and meant to become something while others spend the rest of their lives trying to become something? Is it not meant to be for me?

What did Zak, Nick, and Aaron do to achieve this? Can anybody achieve this if they work hard enough? Work smart enough?  What is it they have done differently? What makes success? How can I make my dreams come true?