What You're Worth

Who knew that Doctor Who could bring me to tears so often?

I just finished watching Vincent and The Doctor and I must say what a beautiful episode that was. In this episode The Doctor takes Vincent Van Gogh to the Musée d'Orsay in the year 2010 to show him the exhibit made in his honor. Vincent, stunned and emotionally overwhelmed overhears Mr. Black, a curator, say:

The Doctor: "where do you think van Gogh rates in the history of art?"

Mr. Black: "well, um, big question. But, to me, Van Gogh is the finest painter of them all. Certainly the most popular, great painter of all time. The most beloved. His command of color the most magnificent. He transformed the pain of his tormented life into ecstatic beauty. Pain is easy to portray...but to use your passion and pain to portray the ecstasy and joy and magnificence of our world... no one had ever done it before. Perhaps no one ever will again. To my mind, that strange, wild man who roamed the fields of Provence was not only the world's greatest artist, but also one of the greatest men who ever lived."

Not only did that scene pull at my heart strings... but then I thought of the real tormented man. The man who took his life without ever knowing his true value. A man who will never know. Can you even imagine what it is like to suffer from depression, anxiety, and mental illness?  To feel so utterly sad and alone that ending your own life seems like a better option than living? Then, to imagine this tortured soul creating magnificent art--only to be ridiculed. He was undervalued, unappreciated, and bullied. I can't even begin to imagine what it was like to be in his emotional state while others only added salt to the wounds. He died probably believing he was a nobody... a worthless nobody. If only he could have known.

If only all of us could know our worth before death.

Frogs

You ever relive moments from your past that went wrong, seemingly out of nowhere, and you are just left there like “what the fuck?….” And then that’s it? That is all you have left of that relationship for years to come? And anytime you are reminded of that person your brief moment of reminiscing is quickly drowned out by the memory of the last time you two ever spoke to one another?  And even though deep down inside you know it wasn’t you; you didn’t do anything wrong, you still relive your last moments and desperately seek for some sort of closure? You just want to make sense of it?  Because out of all the people who have come and gone in your life this person still stands out to you? Even when they might not even be aware of the power their words and actions had? And how even after all these years it still affects you? Then you wonder if they even think about it; or you?

 Yep, me too.

It's a strange thing how you can feel such a strong connection to certain people. When the right personalities mix it's a beautiful thing. I remember that beauty. I choose to remember you that way. If you ever come around again my door is always open. I won't judge you for the decisions made. I just want my friend back.




"The face before me flies
Laughs at me inside
Masks are made to hide the glow
Shining eyes
Distance 'tween us grows
Feeding lies

It's hard to start things over"


"What does friend mean to you?
A word so wrongfully abused
Are you like me, confused?

Why's it have to be this way, be this way, be this way, be this way, be this way, be this way"