So that's why!

I think I have uncovered one of the main reasons I have been holding onto memories as much as I have been recently. Not only is it winter, so I have the seasonal depression kicking in... but because I have zero things going on. Zero exciting things, anyway. Yes, I graduate in June, I go to Costa Rica in May, and have several other little adventures planned. But, all of that feels so far away. I feel as though I am moving at a snails pace to get to them too.

I have a really laid back last semester. I am on campus only 3 days a week now. I spend my free time being creative which also makes it harder for me to get into my coursework. Being at home alone so much also leaves me plenty of time to be in my head. This can be a good and bad thing. Unfortunately, in the last few days, due to the winter, AND that special visit women get once a month, it hasn't been as good.

For someone who loves to wander and is never in one place for too long, I have been in one place too long. I need more travel. *sigh*  I'm getting there.

Frogs

You ever relive moments from your past that went wrong, seemingly out of nowhere, and you are just left there like “what the fuck?….” And then that’s it? That is all you have left of that relationship for years to come? And anytime you are reminded of that person your brief moment of reminiscing is quickly drowned out by the memory of the last time you two ever spoke to one another?  And even though deep down inside you know it wasn’t you; you didn’t do anything wrong, you still relive your last moments and desperately seek for some sort of closure? You just want to make sense of it?  Because out of all the people who have come and gone in your life this person still stands out to you? Even when they might not even be aware of the power their words and actions had? And how even after all these years it still affects you? Then you wonder if they even think about it; or you?

 Yep, me too.

It's a strange thing how you can feel such a strong connection to certain people. When the right personalities mix it's a beautiful thing. I remember that beauty. I choose to remember you that way. If you ever come around again my door is always open. I won't judge you for the decisions made. I just want my friend back.




"The face before me flies
Laughs at me inside
Masks are made to hide the glow
Shining eyes
Distance 'tween us grows
Feeding lies

It's hard to start things over"


"What does friend mean to you?
A word so wrongfully abused
Are you like me, confused?

Why's it have to be this way, be this way, be this way, be this way, be this way, be this way"

Stuck In the Middle With You

I am feeling "stuck in the middle."

I am nearing the end of my long journey to Emerson which has taken three years of hard work, little to no sleep, and a lot of self-motivation. After working so hard for so long I have a rather laid back last semester. I am taking one class which only meets once a week. This has opened up more hours for me to work and much more time to myself. I even started to write a script!  I haven't written a proper script since eighth grade. Even though that is how I wanted to spend my last semester before starting up the hard work again I keep finding myself eager to get to the point where I can actually start making money working in TV.

I have built a great academic resume and have years of experience working with a large diverse population of people along with a ton of other useful skills... but none of which could get me in the door to TV Production yet. As far as I know, anyway. When I browse through friends Facebook pages, a lot of whom have finished their undergraduate degrees, they are either working in their field or in grad school while also working in their field. I get so envious of this! I know my time is coming but I am just so eager to be there.

It just seems like all these people get to just live there lives doing all these exciting things while I am stuck here, not doing anything special per say, as I go through my transition. I know I will do exciting things in my future but it's the waiting part that feels like it lasts forever. I only submitted my application to Emerson 10 days ago and it already feels like an eternity. I keep going in circles of checking the Emerson Portal (even though I know nothing has changed), going to the BBC work experience page and day dreaming about possible future internships, researching Emerson acceptance rates, reading and re-reading the different Transfer Student info pages at Emerson.edu, drafting my prospective Emerson class schedule if accepted, researching the clubs and organizations I want to join while a student at Emerson, and so many other internet searches on the things I want to get involved in.

I can't stop anxiously waiting for May. May 15th is Emerson's decision notification day... My future depends on that decision. I can't help but be consumed by thoughts, concerns, and anxiety. That, and I seriously cannot wait to go to Costa Rica. Which, just so happens to start on May 18th. May is going to be a big month for me. Unless, of course, Emerson informs me of a decision before May. In which case, I suppose May will still be huge because I'M GOING TO COSTA RICA!!

I just can't wait to be living my dream. I can't wait til I am traveling, making TV magic happen, and making enough money to finally fully support myself, my needs and wants, and Ryan. I can't wait to be meeting big names and making a big name for myself. I can't wait to experience more of life and continue to grow as a person. I can't wait to give back to my community and help good causes. I just can't wait to have a life beyond college.

The Strange Man in a Blue Suit

My life has been filled with unexplainable occurrences.

Recently they've been frequently appearing as strange coincidences. Leading up to what just happened. Which, I am rather confused about. I also had a friend over who witnessed it happen.

Let me back track a few weeks to explain the "strange coincidences".

Ryan and I have been watching Doctor Who since Christmas time. We will watch it a few nights a week and usually multiple episodes in one night.

I had been pondering the concept of change and how nothing lasts forever; the only constant in life is change. Or death, but death is also a change from life. So, yes, the only constant is change. A few days later and this thought was already long gone from my mind. Ryan and I sat down to watch some Doctor Who. Several minutes into the episode the camera cuts to a close up of the tenth doctor, at which point he exclaimed "change is the only constant." It immediately triggered my memory of having that exact thought only days prior. I paused the show, told Ryan, and went about the rest of my night.

A night or two later I noticed an update on Facebook from Scarefest announcing a few of their 2013 guests. One of their guests is the host of the show Destination Truth. I'm not particularly a fan of this show but I respect that this person was able to make a career where he travels, investigates paranormal or mythological claims, and is a well known TV show host.  Something I would also like to do. Ryan had never seen the show so I offered to show him an episode. I opened Netflix on our PS3 and started browsing through the different seasons and episodes. I stopped at the episode on Pompeii and decided that soundsed like a cool one to watch. The next night Ryan and I decided to resume where we left off in Doctor Who. I opened it up in Netflix and before hitting the X button to play the episode I happened to glance at the title... The Fires of Pompeii... that marked the second coincidence in a row with this TV show. I pointed it out to Ryan.

A day or so later Ryan and I are laying on the couch taking a nap. I had a weird dream about bees. I was drowning them in some flavored liquid so they would also marinate. I wanted to add them into the ground beef I was browning. I remember being conflicted in my dream about eating the bees. I didn't want to but I also remembered a time where I did and liked it. I then awoke and told Ryan of my weird dream. I can't remember if it was later that day or the next day, but either way, Ryan and I went to watch Doctor Who. To my surprise the bad guy in this episode was a huge BEE! Not only that but the bee's father had drowned and died and at the end of that episode that bee drowned and died. That was now THREE times in a row where what I thought, dreamed, or did in real life showed up in Doctor Who. I actually felt weirded out at that point.

A few nights later and I have this absolutely wonderful dream about the Doctor flying me, Mrs. Cook, and another friend away by using the moon's light. The dream itself could be a separate blog entry. I woke up with such a happy feeling. The time period it was set in, the wardrobe, the carelessness, the absence of bad, just genuine, happy, innocent living (and dancing). It was beautiful. But, back to the point. The Doctor harnessed the energy to fly us across the sky by harnessing the energy from the light of the moon. Yes, in real life, I am aware that the moon only reflects the light of the sun and isn't an actual light source. Moving on... So another day or so goes by after I had that dream. Ryan and I once more sat down to watch Doctor Who. The episode was Silence in the Library. In this episode there is a character, Dr. Moon. I didn't think much of it until the scene where the Doctor is in the library and points his sonic screwdriver up at the moon and started to realize its purpose. The moon was an artificial moon that maintained the computer systems on the planet it orbited through wireless connection. This moon was built by Felman Lux to protect CAL, his youngest daughter who became the Library's computer. It was interesting to me that after having a dream specifically about the moon, that in the next episode I watched, the moon played a significant role.

I was able to finish season four without anymore of these coincidences. Not that I minded having them.

That leads me to today. My friend Matthew came over so we could journal all our ideas for a possible sitcom we want to write, film, and act in together. He had his acting debut in my parody Jurassic Sock. I was explaining to him why I chose certain clips to edit and why I left others out. I told him I still had the original exported video of each scene in chronological order. I wanted to play that for him to show him why it wouldn't work if presented in that way. Keep in mind I had exported this video as an mpeg several days ago. I watched it several times after exporting it and also had Ryan watch it. Nothing but my footage existed.

So, I opened the video and it started playing...except this time for a split second before my footage started there was a clip of a man in a blue suit, smiling, with his right hand in the air waving. You could see him from a little below his shoulders and up. It was almost cartoon caricature-like in the way that his head was made a lot larger than his body. I immediately paused the video, turned to Matt and asked "you saw that right?"  He did! He said he caught it at the corner of his eye so he wasn't able to make out specifics, but he saw it happen. I brought the video back to 00:00... Only my footage was showing. I started the video over multiple times and I also closed the whole program and re-opened it with the same video. Nothing but my normal footage played.

I don't really understand why the past few weeks have been filled with strange coincidences and now unexplainable things just occurring without coinciding with something else. But, it is exciting and I am interested in seeing what else may or may not happen.

Jurassic Sock

Initially my friends and I got together to film what would have a been a 60 second parody of Jurassic Park for the Jameson Empire Awards contest: Done in 60 Seconds. Unfortunately, I later found, by no help of the Rules and Regulations on their website, that the United States is excluded from this contest.

With that said, I wasn't going to let footage go to waste! I considered finishing the 60 second parody regardless of if I was able to submit it or not... but I didn't want to limit what I could use/do in post production.

There were scenes I had to cut to make the final product make sense. Since we didn't film with the intentions of re-making every scene in its entirety, what you see is the best use of what scenes we did shoot.

Also, stay tuned for outtakes at the end!

I am still very much an amateur, but this project was a great learning experience. A few things I have learned are:

1) Always rent a lighting kit
2) Make sure you are always recording sound. Sound can be removed if necessary but realistic sounds can't always be put in. Cue dramatic music.
3) How not to use a green screen.
4) My version of Avid Studio is annoying to use. It isn't "user error" either. I have my qualified, Berklee graduate, tech support manager/tech guru boyfriend to vouch for that.
5) Don't choose a movie based in a warm climate to film in the middle of winter, in New England, while wearing summer clothes and bearing the cold for hours on end.
6) I was able to bring an idea to life. I took what was in my head, with the help of my friends, and turned it into something tangible. I took this project from pre-post production. I wrote the script, cast the roles, gathered a crew, managed a crew,  directed, acted, produced, and did post-production. All of which wouldn't have been possible without the amazing people who shared my vision.

Though I do have a minor soundtrack to my short film I do not claim to own the rights of the Jurassic Park Theme Song or Les Friction- Louder Than Words.

My Journey to Emerson at a 3 Year Glance

Just about three years ago (it will be exactly three years in March), I set out on my journey to Emerson College. Having only a GED in hand I had to face the reality that I wasn't exactly Emerson material... yet. I knew I had the passion and drive that Emerson looks for, but I didn't have the credentials, experience, and resume to show as proof to the kind of person I am. This meant I had to attend community college in order to have all the necessary requirements fulfilled before applying and giving myself a chance at being accepted.  I wasn't exactly thrilled about this but it was what I had to do.

Bunker Hill Community College for some reason had always stood out to me. If I had to be stuck going to community college in the first place, I might as well go to Bunker Hill. To my surprise, going to Bunker Hill has changed my life. But this entry isn't about my experience at Bunker Hill.

On February 8th, 2013 I submitted my Common Application and Emerson Supplements. All other required documents I had delivered in January. A few days later I received my email from Emerson admission giving me my Emerson ID so I could sign into the Application Portal and check the status of my application, as well as view the list of required documents and the dates they received them. I was so excited that I even took a screen shot of that page. I can't believe my journey to get to Emerson has finally reached its ending. Now I await their decision.

That's when I started over analyzing, as I do... What if I get accepted to Emerson but I'm not actually cut out for what I love to do? Not only that, but to truly gain experience and take advantage of what Emerson has to offer, I must get involved in the college's organizations. How will I be able to balance a full time course-load, one which I am sure is more demanding of me than that of Bunker Hill, and join clubs, make art, work, and pass... all at the same time? Will I find what I am really good at? Will I find my niche?

I have also taken a much different route than a lot of the people I know who are interested in film, TV, acting, production, etc. So many of them are always working on some sort of project. They have a portfolio, even if it is amateur, they are always creating. I, on the other hand, put creating on hold to focus on my academic and leadership skills. I put all of me into building the kind of student that shouldn't have a hard time being accepted by four year universities, particularly Emerson. Once upon a time all I did was create, perform, and film. Then real life happened and it became harder to do. When the time came to go to Bunker Hill, it was now or never. I had to get my act together. Which meant focusing my time and abilities on other responsibilities. I worried that because I haven't been so "film focused" that this might mean I am not cut out for the environment at Emerson.

When I mentioned some of my concerns to Ryan he did a good job at comforting me and reminding me that when I go to Emerson, it is going to be a whole new experience. The kind of stress I may have is going to be so different from the stress I have now. I will be busy and stressed, but it will be much more rewarding because I will be working on the things I love. I won't be stressed over the amount of reading and writing I have to do for some Gen Ed class that I have to take. I will be stressing over things I actually enjoy. Also, it doesn't matter if I took a different path and have created less in the past few years. That doesn't predict my chances at success or failure. I could have a more successful career over some of those who payed more attention to creating and less to professionalism, and time management when they were students.

This all got me thinking about my preconceived notions about attending a community college. I didn't think I could learn or gain anything new that I hadn't already learned from my struggles in the real world. I couldn't have been more wrong. My life has changed in so many wonderful ways since becoming a student at Bunker Hill. I was awoken to my talents, potential, and purpose. Getting involved in things I never imagined for myself has shown me that my voice is valued, important, and has power. Opportunities have presented themselves to me that I never conceived possible for a community college. If I can be surprised by the opportunities and growth that Bunker Hill has to offer, just imagine what could be waiting for me at Emerson. I am naive to what Emerson has to offer. I mean really offer. I know they have connections within the industry,  professors who are professionals in their professions outside of the school, state of the art facilities, successful alumni, wonderful organizations, and the perfect environment for students to cultivate their skills. But until I am a student at Emerson and living the experiences, I won't fully understand exactly what that school will do for me.

Until then, I have videos to watch and students' stories to listen to and feel inspired by. I can only dream of what is to come for me.

Passion Links Emerson Students: A video showcasing the opportunities available to unsuspecting students. :)

Alumni Speak about their success because of Emerson.

More student testimonies about their involvement at Emerson.

A video about the doors that Emerson has opened to a student's success.

30 Day No Facebook Challenge

I decided on January 31st at just around midnight that I wanted to do a "30 Day Challenge" of no Facebook. Yes, I know February only has 28 days...

It has been 9 days and I keep finding it hard to not want to sign in. I don't feel like I need to sign in or anything. Even when I was using Facebook I wasn't constantly on it. But what I am noticing is how much social media websites really do connect us. It may not be as superficial as I previously thought either. I do still think some interactions are superficial, but it depends on the person I suppose. Maybe those people would have superficial face to face interactions as well. I also still stand by the fact that we shouldn't be reliant on social media sites as our main source of human interaction. However, I kinda miss signing in and reading about the little things my friends and family have been up to. When I can't physically be in all areas of the world to spend time with those I care about, I can follow their updates and feel close to them. I also miss sharing parts of me.

 Of course there will still be those people who use Facebook to complain, protest, "advocate", get political,  and be ungrateful, lazy little shits... Buuuuut, that's what the "remove from news feed" option is for. I digress...

I just keep telling myself  "this is stupid". Why purposely avoid something that brings me closer to people? It isn't realistic to think that if they were "true" friends then we wouldn't need Facebook to keep in touch. As we grow older we all go on our separate paths. We start to focus on what we need to do with our lives (make a living, get an education, grow up) instead of what we want  to do (hang out with friends constantly, have sleep overs, stay at home all day in our PJs eating cheese doodles). Unless of course you are lucky enough to have what you want and need be one in the same. My point being, we aren't in grade school anymore. Life isn't one big summer vacation filled with endless amounts of leisure time, alcohol, and sex. We actually have to survive now... on our own. Some of us still have support from our parents, but either way, most of us still know when it is time to take care of ourselves. Some of us get to balance being an adult and having a social life, for others, depending on our personal situation, don't get to have that choice. Some of us have to give up that choice in order to survive. And while we are working very hard to get to a point where we won't have to work all the time, sites like Facebook help us still have some form of connection with those we care about.

Facebook is what you want it to be. If you use Facebook to only keep in touch with family and friends, awesome! If you use it as a means to blog, super! If you use it as a way to network, wonderful! If you don't want to use it, good for you! For me, Facebook allows me to continue working hard for a better, brighter, future, while also showing me I have a support system. And I support every single one of my friends as well. Even if it has to be from a distance at the moment, it doesn't make them or me any less real because we use Facebook.

Now, if only the stubborn part of me would allow myself to sign in before the 30 days are up...