While I'm feeling inspired...

I better bust out this entry.

As 2013 is about to end everyone is making their resolutions and hoping for a better year to come. Reading statuses like that only frustrate me because you can’t let life pass you by as you HOPE for something to change. YOU have to MAKE that change. If you want a better year, make it a better year.

Instead of making a list of things you want to change (which for most people it ends up being a list reminding them of their failures) why not just actively, every day, work on a better you? I know it is easier said than done but the results are priceless. A happier, more enriched life is worth the work. I know from experience because for years now I have been working very hard at being a better me and making a wonderful life for myself. It’s paying off. So, on that note, I want to take a moment to count my blessings from 2013.

On new years eve 2012 I set out an empty mason jar that I would use to place notes in throughout 2013. I did just that! Now, in no particular order, I am going to pull each note from the jar and remember why 2013 was a good year. :)

4/21/2013: I was accepted to Emerson College (WOO HOO!)

1/18/2013: Somebody radtastic gave me their number and a friendship was born ;)

12/17/2013: Completed my first semester at Emerson

5/09/2013: Was awarded the Next Step Scholarship from Emerson College

No Date: I am thankful for Tom Hiddleston -ALWAYS-

8/13/2013: Hired on the spot @ BHCC Online (insert awesome hourly wage here)

1/11/2013: Was chosen to study abroad in Costa Rica

7/2013: Appeared in the BHCC magazine TWICE! :) 

11/10/2013: Saw and met Andy McKee

6/10/2013: Hired in LifeMap Center for part time— two days later signed new full time contract 

12/29/2013: Went to my 2nd Patriots game! Danced in the rain and enjoyed the season closer 

9/23/2013: Ryan is still coming home to me—his puff

12/12/2013: Offered post production internship at Small Army

10/13/2013: Went to my 1st Patriots game!! We won against the Saints!

9/13/2013: Met Aaron Goodwin, Amy Trimble, Christian Gabriel, Adam Michaels, Zak Bagans, Billy Tolley, and Jay Wasley! (and other cool people at Scarefest)

12/28/2013: Had a wonderful Christmas get together with my dad

5/18/2013-5/29/2013: Had an amazing time in Costa Rica— and made it home safely :)

1/28/2013: My baby made it home safe from NAMM!

This could be you, a loved one, or your victim. Whether you are texting and driving, drinking and driving, or just plain being an impatient, selfish, reckless asshole— consider life. Nothing is more important than life. Think about the lives that will be taken, destroyed, and never the same. Save a life and put down your phone. Save a life and take a cab if you’ve been drinking. Save a life and drive responsibly. Save a life and educate people on the consequences, fatalities, and prevention of such disasters. 

I also feel the need to state that just because something is filmed doesn’t make it any less real. I have observed others disregarding the message behind such pieces because they feel a disconnect from the stories being shared to their reality. The meaning behind documentaries is to highlight what IS reality. Maybe not your reality but it is somebody’s reality. 

Documentaries like this one are made to show that this DOES happen, HAS happened, and WILL happen without our conscious participation in preventing it. Documentaries not only help educate by bringing information to light but they are created with the hope that it will provide the viewer with the opportunity to put themselves in someone else’s shoes, change their perception, and possibly make an active change in how they live their lives—for the better. For the better of both themselves and society.

Success takes more than a degree

It really upsets me watching people who have college degrees work shitty jobs that have absolutely nothing to do with what they studied. It also really upsets me when some of those people claim "college is a waste" and "my degree did nothing for me."  Yes and no... Either the college you attended did nothing for you, you did nothing for you, or both. I wouldn't place full blame on the degree you received but the institution from which you studied. How many colleges teach career planning along with the subjects offered as part of the curriculum? Too many college graduates are under prepared for the real world because all they practiced in those 4 years was how to regurgitate information. You will need a lot more than memorized theories if you want to have a career. The other half of the blame goes to the student who didn't take the initiative to research, plan (or try to plan) and execute the steps needed in order to work in the field in which they desired. Also, shame on them for allowing themselves to waste their degree, money, and time spent in college.

If there is one thing I am really proud of it is how Bunker Hill Community College wants to prepare students to be successful in every aspect of their lives. That is why the new LifeMap center was developed in the first place. Same with the Learn & Earn Program where students who study Biotechnology, Business Administration, Computer Technology, Engineering and Visual Media Arts gain paid work experience at some of the largest businesses in Massachusetts. Internships play a large role in gaining real life experience, work related experience, as well as a way to narrow down your career objectives. At Bunker Hill we have a long list of departments and services that are all committed to helping students discover their career and educational objectives and give them the tools necessary to achieve their goals.

It takes research, planning, hard work, and commitment to be successful. It also takes more than just attending class and submitting homework. Potential employers look for individuals who get involved on and off campus. Of course getting involved helps you to stand apart from your competition but it also teaches you how to appropriately interact with others. You learn invaluable interpersonal skills that will allow you to be more successful in both your professional and personal life. It may seem like common sense that interpersonal skills are a must but you would be surprised how many people lack the ability to communicate effectively or are unaware of their non-verbal cues. Having worked for over two years at a 2 year institution I have interacted with a wide variety of people. It saddens me to say  that the level of disrespect, psychological projection, blame, and straight up insulting interactions I have witnessed and suffered through myself shows there is a problem. I understand in certain cases it can be the individual who might suffer from say a mental illness or as humans sometimes we can have a bad day and treat others poorly because of it. But I am getting off topic... More than history, science, and math needs to be taught in our school systems.

When making the decision to pursue an education it is so important to ask yourself the right questions.

Questions to ask yourself:

Identify your educational, career, life goals:
Do I have any hobbies? If yes, what are they? How could they be incorporated into a career?

What makes me happy? How can that be incorporated into a career?

What do I hope to achieve in one semester? (4.0 GPA, join a club, etc.) 

What do I hope to achieve by continuing my education? 

Where do I see myself in the future? Overall, what is my "big picture"? What steps can I take to get there?

Educational Plan/Course Selection:
What is my program of study?

What requirements must I fulfill in order to complete my program?

Do I meet all pre-requisites? If not- which development courses do I need to take? How will they fit into my academic timeline? Or, which introductory course do I need to take first before taking a core course?

Which courses, if any, are taught only once a year (just fall semester/just spring semester)? How does this affect my academic timeline?

Begin exploring transfer options:
What is my career objective? What major will guide me to my prospective career?

Which schools offer my major?

Once a list of schools is compiled-- what are their general education requirements? Do my courses fulfill their Gen Ed requirements? Compare course descriptions.

Do any of my core courses match the core courses offered at the schools on my list?

If I am unsure what classes/credits might transfer, contact the admissions office at prospective schools. Set up a time to meet, discuss everything via email, and/or take a campus tour--learn more about the schools. 

What does each school offer me outside of the classroom? Internships? Professional network? Connections to the industry I want to work in? State of the art facilities? Community? Sports? Clubs?

Develop Financial Plan for continued education and life after graduation:
How much does it cost to attend? 

In state or out of state tuition?

How much aid have I used so far? Grants? Subsidized Government Loans? Unsubsidized Government Loans? Mass no interest loan? Scholarships? 

How was each financial aid section distributed? 

What do I currently owe? 

What is the interest rate on my loans? In x amount of time it takes me to complete my degree-- how much will I owe + interest?

Depending on the repayment plan-- what will my monthly payments be?

How much money am I currently making? What are my expenses? Will I have enough at this wage minus expenses to afford my student loan payments? 

How much is tuition and fees for my prospective schools of transfer? 

Will government aid be enough? Or will I have to consider private loans?

There is so much planning that should occur when deciding to go to college. First it is important that you truly want to go to school and are willing to put in the time and commitment to complete your degree. It won't look good to employers if you cannot finish something you started.

If you do not know what you want to study at first that is ok. Not everyone knows what they want to do with their lives but what they do know is that they want to get an education. If you do not know what to study maybe apply for the general education program, take several different elective courses and pursue your options during your first year. Once you become a second year student you should have a better idea of the direction you would like to bring your life. If not, seek the help of an advisor, career counselor, volunteer at organizations or companies, intern, go to www.myplan.com and browse the different careers and majors... just stay active in discovering yourself and set short-term, mid-term, and long term goals.

Actually, the most important things you can do while in college is volunteer at organizations/companies, intern, join clubs on campus, and stay active within the community. Not only are you learning interpersonal skills, but being involved is how you are going to build your network. Networking is very crucial when applying to jobs. You never know how someone can and will play a certain role in your life and in helping you secure a position or by passing along information of opportunities. Ask the successful people that you know how they got to where they are. I bet most of them knew someone who assisted them in landing the position/s needed to be successful.

On that note, be nice to everyone! You never know when you might run into them again and if they might be your boss someday. What goes around certainly comes around.

And finally, it isn't just about who you know. You may know someone who could get you that job you've been eying... but will they? Are you someone with integrity and reliability? Use your time at college to build who you are and become that person no company could turn away. 

I stand corrected...

Maybe my initial reaction was a bit harsh. I contribute my growing pains to the fact that since 2006, with the exception of my holiday temp job at The Gap, I have been lucky in terms of work...and spoiled. As a Stagehand and Orientation Mentor I was able to make my own schedule with varying hours from week to week. I enjoyed collaboration as my coworkers and I teamed together to put on a show. I had the opportunity of working with new people every shift as well as work with those I have built strong relationships with. I was always active, lively, and physically involved with my work as it kept me on my feet. I didn't have to worry about a dress code or having to look sharp every single day. I had both freedom and responsibilities. My work was unconventional by North American standards (yanno, the whole "nine-to-five" as they say) but if it wasn't for that type of environment I don't think I could have held a job.

Though I still can't wrap my head around the concept of working most of my time away while life passes me by... at least that is how I see it. We spend so much time labouring and so little time enjoying the fruits of our labour. And though I still do not wish this to be my future or how I spend the rest of my life... I am enjoying going to work every day!

I have happily arisen from bed each morning to get ready for the day ahead of me. I show up with a smile and leave with a smile. I enjoy the company of who I work with and I am enjoying the variety of projects that I have taken on from day to day. I have also started helping students again which of course fulfills a certain part of me.

I "suffered" briefly through the transition from my ideal work environment to a less favourable one. However, it really isn't that bad. The more I reflect the more I realize the similarities my current work environment shares with my previous. I work with a wonderfully diverse staff and student body. I absolutely cherish my interactions with them as it enriches my perception of the world. The projects I am involved in actually hold importance and allow me to be a part of something bigger. I may be a bit restricted when it comes to the hours I choose to work but I do still get to choose my hours. Although I may not be as physically active as I would like I am not tied to desk all day either.

Overall I am satisfied with my job and because of this it becomes easier to be there every day 7 hours a day.





I still don't want a desk job as a career. :)

I am employed full time. Woah is me.

There is no way to express my thoughts on the matter without sounding ungrateful. I am by no means ungrateful. I am so unbelievably appreciative for the stability in my life and every opportunity that I am able to seize. Including working a full time job that consists of me spending hours on end behind a desk and computer while taking me away from the human interaction, among other things, that I once enjoyed. Welcome to the dreaded monotony of adulthood.

It is no wonder so many people get depressed by their jobs. I have only been at my new job for a week and I am having deep, meaning of life contemplations. It boggles my mind that the majority of people, at least in north American society, willfully slave away most of their time.. and for so many people, they slave away at jobs that don't make them happy, don't pay them enough to live, and don't contribute to their growth within the company or as a person. The more I think about it the more it seems like a pandemic. But I digress.

On my way to work the other day I was walking through the parking lot thinking to myself "Here I go again... time to get use to being an adult and serving my time Monday through Friday, nine to five... Time to face reality. Time to get use to this mind numbing, daily-grind-bullshit. It is my future after all."

Then it hit me. No it isn't and no I don't. No I don't have to conform to society and its standards of living. Isn't that the reason I decided to continue my education to begin with? So I don't have to work retail, food services, or be caged in an office building? So I don't have to give up who I am and what makes me happy just so I can live another day of being unhappy and not doing what I love? I decided to pursue an education so I could study what makes me happy, gain experience within that medium, network with others involved in my field of interest, and then become employed doing a non traditional job. A job that allows creativity; offers variety, such as interacting with many different people, performing various tasks, or working in different locations; an environment where close supervision is not necessary and I am free to make decisions on my own; and most importantly a job that benefits the community and enriches society.

Granted, I still have a ways to go before I reach that point. I am only working a "summer job" before I transfer to Emerson. That isn't to say that my current position isn't important. Instead of working with students directly I am now responsible for playing a role in the development of the new department created specifically for student success.  It was over a year ago that I sat in meetings with the Dean and other student leaders discussing what needs to be included in the new philosophy and department. Now, here I am fortunate enough to be employed by that department helping continue with the growth of the foundation. I am also thankful that during a time where securing a job is scarce and many people are out of work-- I have a place that is creating work for me. I am expanding upon the experience I already have and becoming a more valuable person because of it.

Someday I will do what makes me happy and get paid for it.

Hard work really does pay off

I found out today that I have been awarded the Next Step Scholarship from Emerson. This means that half of my tuition is covered.

I still can’t put my head around the fact that everything I put my mind to I was able to make happen. Three years ago I had a GED and a dream to become an Emerson student. I remember visiting Bunker Hill Community College with my boyfriend and discussing with an advisor my options for transfer and funding Emerson. The Next Step Scholarship was mentioned and the competition seemed intimidating…but it was the only way. I set forth on a journey to do whatever it took to become Emerson material. For once in my life things are going good.

I’m going to take this moment to count my blessings. <3

My only concern about transferring to Emerson is...

 ...the lack of diversity.

I have spent the last two and half years at Bunker Hill Community College. A place so diverse we have students from close to 100 countries attending and 75 different languages being spoken on campus. Heck, I’m the minority…and I LOVE it. I have never found another place so open and accepting of every kind of person. I have never once been judged for my beliefs, economical background, personality, or how I dress. I am accepted and liked by many for who I am. We are all accepted and liked for who we are— differences and similarities alike.

Will I be able to say the same when I attend Emerson College? The one complaint I have heard from many students is that Emerson has close to zero diversity. Unless of course you are talking about the variety of rich, privileged, sheltered, white kids. The thought of that kind of atmosphere actually makes me nervous. I don’t want to be put back under the same microscope I was under during middle school and high school. I don’t want to be in an environment of adolescent minds that lack wisdom, insight, and real world experience.

With that said, no matter the environment I will not allow it to affect my progression as a filmmaker. Nor will I assume every student is like that. Innocent until proven guilty, right?

As I usually do, I will keep a positive outlook and focus my thoughts on the relationships I will build while at Emerson. I have never been one to let anything get in my way or discourage me from my path. I am beyond excited to finally start studying TV production and take an active role in the clubs, organizations, and opportunities offered by Emerson. I have waited my entire life to fulfill this desire of mine. The majority of my life was spent trying to figure out how to be involved in what I love to do. Finally, I have found my way.

Now Taking Donations!

I had to create a GoFundMe account in order to raise the $500 needed as an enrollment deposit for Emerson College. Unfortunately, deposits are the only thing financial aid does not cover. When you click the link below you will be able to view pictures and read a short summary of my situation. Every little bit helps!

http://www.gofundme.com/2o82ms

<rant>

I just read a rumor that the new Galaxy phone has a "Smart Pause" feature so that when your eyes no longer look at the screen it will dim, pause what you are doing, then resume once you look back at it again.

My response: Gross. That is so unbelievably unnecessary (much like a lot of the things we own and feel we "need") and incredibly lazy. We are gluttons for technology that take away our humanity. Do you really think it is cool to control things with your eyes? Do you really want to be like Stephen Hawking confined to a wheel chair because you can't move and the only way you can communicate is by moving your eyes? Because with how lazy our society has gotten and our ever growing dependence on technology it won't take long until we start suffering from muscle atrophy (due to laziness and lack of exercise) and become prisoners within our own bodies where our only option will be to use our "sweet smart phones" and control them with our eyes to get around and communicate!

Stop complaining about taking a freaking flight of stairs, stop being connected to everything at all times, start to re-learn the importance of physical activity, physical social environments, and educate yourself on how to read a map or learn a useful trade that can help you become less dependent on someone or something else. The way we have become classically conditioned to respond to the sounds or vibrations of our phones is frightening. We are like Pavlov and his dogs!

Ugghhhh!!

</rant>

As humans why can't we listen to wise words better? Why do we believe we will get a different result than those who have tried before us? I suppose it is for those moments when the chance we take proves the others wrong. However, one thing has proven true thus far; some things are better left in the past.

Maybe it was my expectations that ruined it for me.... maybe I foolishly thought things could be the way they were. In this instance, I romanticized  a situation which didn't turn out at all the way I fantasized it would. Don't get me wrong, I asked and I received. Not all those who put themselves out there get what they are asking for. I got what I asked for... but it didn't live up to what I'd hope it'd be. Which makes it my fault, perhaps. My fault for building it up in my mind before I had anything to go on.

It all got me thinking about how nothing will ever be the way it use to be. I look through photos I took with friends over the years and it fills me with happy reminiscent feelings. I look at where we all are now and we have all taken such different paths. Paths that only lead us away from one another. No matter how bad you want to hold onto them you lost them a long time ago. No one is who they were in those moments captured on camera. Most chances are things will never be the same. There are, of course, the instances where timelines meet once again and things are even better the second time around! Lucky bastards.

How does one accept the fact that what they long for present day cannot happen and they must settle for memories? Of course they can make new friends and create new memories... and in time look back on that as well. How do we make it last? Who actually has real friends anymore that they see frequently or speak to often outside of school, work, or the internet? Why does life have to be so busy that it gets in the way of real human interaction and building bonds? Is there anyone out there who would choose to make the time to cherish the relationships they have?

I miss the day where companionship mattered.

I am often turned off by how quick people are to judge, label, and put things into a box.

When it comes down to it I try to look at the world like this: even when there is something I may not understand the appeal of there is always more than one dimension to it. I accept this and respect what I do not know but hope to discover and learn more about each thing in question. I try not to label something too quickly and put it in a box. Because, honestly, who am I to make that kind of judgement? The world and everything in it is not black and white. Everyone has their unique way they see the world and that vision, though shaped by culture, society, environment, psychology, genetics and in some cases religion, is also shaped through personal experience and exploration. I have truly enjoyed discovering new perspectives outside of the one I was raised to see through. I hope with more traveling and sharing life with others who live so differently from me that I can continue to expand my mind and my world view.

 

Just The Tip

I have been overwhelming myself with decisions and answers I can't possibly make or have yet. So much is left unwritten. With that said, I was talking to my friend about it. I was telling him how part of me wants to spread my wings and fly while the other part of me wants to stay put. I also went on to talk about sacrifices, regrets, and how much say we have in what is "meant to be". I mentioned how I struggle to stay happy being in one place but how being in one place is what I need right now. However, my internship abroad in London may be the escape I need before I return to finish my degree. My friend, who is EXACTLY like me, then responded with a statement that couldn't be any truer.



 "trust me...we are both built the same way. You have a taste of London for 3 months you are going to want to extend it for a year and then if you get lucky and land a permanent contract, which I am sure you can, you will take it....we don't do well with just the tip, we want the whole damn thing lol"

Welcome to America!

**Disclaimer: This entry was written to express my interest in learning more about the economic situation in America VS Europe. Any and all things I vent about are based on what I have observed first hand. I do not claim to be a professor in economics.**

On February 19th I posted a status to Facebook asking U.S. citizens what makes them proud to be American. I did this in hopes to start a discussion about the positive aspects of living here and to possibly discover a sense of pride for my country. My status is as followed:

"Yanno, I hear so many people complain about America that I almost feel as though I have no pride in being American. That is not to be confused with having no appreciation for the opportunities living in America has given me. There is not a day I am not thankful for the life I have. But tell me, what makes YOU proud to be an American? Only serious, positive replies please. I am not looking for a debate on what sucks or could be better. I want to hear something positive about America for once."

The people who did respond all made good points. However, I am still left wondering if the quality of life would be better elsewhere? I want to learn more about how other countries operate. I hear much praise about wages, holiday, and health care over in Europe which makes it is hard not to consider relocating. But, what exactly would the trade off be? 

At this very moment two things are bothering me about the "world" I am living in. By "world" I am referring to the reality of my existence here in America and what affects me directly. Such as, the reality of unequal wealth distribution, as well as the constant struggle to get ahead (student debt, never ending cycle of internships, no retirement fund or savings). Entry level psotitions and internships are not what they use to be. People are being overworked, underpaid (if they even get paid at all), and then disposed of for the next noobie who is willing to slave away for nothing. We spend so much time working hard, losing sleep, and cutting ourselves off from our friends and family in order to do this. We hope by overly committing that we will be recognized, promoted, and gain a career. Instead, we get jerked around.  By the time we finally had enough of being taken advantage of and decide to move on-- the next place bends us over too. Thus, making it look like we are unemployable because we often seek a better workplace. 

All I really want is to do what makes me happy for a living and to make enough money to support myself , as well as afford time with friends and family. Apparently that is too much to ask for in America. 

Whenever I see something going around the internet I take it with a grain of salt. However, here is some food for thought:

Here is a NY Times article written about the struggle of getting ahead: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/03/fashion/for-20-somethings-ambition-at-a-cost.html?smid=fb-share

An article with a little bit of personality on the matter: http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-ways-you-can-tell-economy-still-sucks_p2/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fanpage&utm_campaign=new+article&wa_ibsrc=fanpage%2F
 Just look at the debate in the comments section! Whatever the answer may be, there is clearly a problem. 


Again, whenever I am feeling bothered by the state of my country, I am also aware of the fact that it could be much worse. 

For those who live abroad, what do you like and dislike about your country? What do you like and dislike about America? If you could live any place where would it be and why? 

When responding (if anyone responds) please think before you type and be respectful. All rude, disrespectful comments will be deleted.

Silenced Stories

When was the last time you passed a cemetery and considered the stories each tomb stone represents? Every stone marks a life lived. Granted, not all who are there lived full lives, but for those who did, what tales would they tell if they could? What did they live through? Were they a part of any social movements? Wars? Or politics? Did they contribute to society or take from it? Imagine what we could learn just from listening.

What You're Worth

Who knew that Doctor Who could bring me to tears so often?

I just finished watching Vincent and The Doctor and I must say what a beautiful episode that was. In this episode The Doctor takes Vincent Van Gogh to the Musée d'Orsay in the year 2010 to show him the exhibit made in his honor. Vincent, stunned and emotionally overwhelmed overhears Mr. Black, a curator, say:

The Doctor: "where do you think van Gogh rates in the history of art?"

Mr. Black: "well, um, big question. But, to me, Van Gogh is the finest painter of them all. Certainly the most popular, great painter of all time. The most beloved. His command of color the most magnificent. He transformed the pain of his tormented life into ecstatic beauty. Pain is easy to portray...but to use your passion and pain to portray the ecstasy and joy and magnificence of our world... no one had ever done it before. Perhaps no one ever will again. To my mind, that strange, wild man who roamed the fields of Provence was not only the world's greatest artist, but also one of the greatest men who ever lived."

Not only did that scene pull at my heart strings... but then I thought of the real tormented man. The man who took his life without ever knowing his true value. A man who will never know. Can you even imagine what it is like to suffer from depression, anxiety, and mental illness?  To feel so utterly sad and alone that ending your own life seems like a better option than living? Then, to imagine this tortured soul creating magnificent art--only to be ridiculed. He was undervalued, unappreciated, and bullied. I can't even begin to imagine what it was like to be in his emotional state while others only added salt to the wounds. He died probably believing he was a nobody... a worthless nobody. If only he could have known.

If only all of us could know our worth before death.

In 2007...

It's so crazy to me thinking about how little I use to know. I am looking through pictures circa 2007 and all I can do is shake my head at my past self. Granted, I need to cut my past self some slack given the circumstances of which I grew up.

It still makes embarrassed though...

In 2007...

• I had no sense of femininity
• I had nothing of substance to contribute to a conversation 
• I was socially awkward and super insecure
• I hadn't done enough living to fully develop likes and dislikes
• I was naive
• I was lost
• I was scared of disapproval and rejection
• I was scared of intimacy
• I had no voice 
• I had no clue how to use my passion as a means of productivity toward a realistic career
• I had no specific direction
• I let my anxiety take control of the wheel more times than I would hold the wheel and drive
• I didn't know there was such thing as public transportation
• I had yet to discover the beauty of culture
• I had yet to gain knowledge on subjects such as psychology, cultural anthropology, philosophy, literature, ethics, and religion
• I also knew very little about punctuation and proper grammar
• My past very much still haunted me affecting me in ways I wouldn't realize for another three years
• I looked for attention in all the wrong places

In 2013...

• I'm fuckin' fabulous

So that's why!

I think I have uncovered one of the main reasons I have been holding onto memories as much as I have been recently. Not only is it winter, so I have the seasonal depression kicking in... but because I have zero things going on. Zero exciting things, anyway. Yes, I graduate in June, I go to Costa Rica in May, and have several other little adventures planned. But, all of that feels so far away. I feel as though I am moving at a snails pace to get to them too.

I have a really laid back last semester. I am on campus only 3 days a week now. I spend my free time being creative which also makes it harder for me to get into my coursework. Being at home alone so much also leaves me plenty of time to be in my head. This can be a good and bad thing. Unfortunately, in the last few days, due to the winter, AND that special visit women get once a month, it hasn't been as good.

For someone who loves to wander and is never in one place for too long, I have been in one place too long. I need more travel. *sigh*  I'm getting there.

Frogs

You ever relive moments from your past that went wrong, seemingly out of nowhere, and you are just left there like “what the fuck?….” And then that’s it? That is all you have left of that relationship for years to come? And anytime you are reminded of that person your brief moment of reminiscing is quickly drowned out by the memory of the last time you two ever spoke to one another?  And even though deep down inside you know it wasn’t you; you didn’t do anything wrong, you still relive your last moments and desperately seek for some sort of closure? You just want to make sense of it?  Because out of all the people who have come and gone in your life this person still stands out to you? Even when they might not even be aware of the power their words and actions had? And how even after all these years it still affects you? Then you wonder if they even think about it; or you?

 Yep, me too.

It's a strange thing how you can feel such a strong connection to certain people. When the right personalities mix it's a beautiful thing. I remember that beauty. I choose to remember you that way. If you ever come around again my door is always open. I won't judge you for the decisions made. I just want my friend back.




"The face before me flies
Laughs at me inside
Masks are made to hide the glow
Shining eyes
Distance 'tween us grows
Feeding lies

It's hard to start things over"


"What does friend mean to you?
A word so wrongfully abused
Are you like me, confused?

Why's it have to be this way, be this way, be this way, be this way, be this way, be this way"

Stuck In the Middle With You

I am feeling "stuck in the middle."

I am nearing the end of my long journey to Emerson which has taken three years of hard work, little to no sleep, and a lot of self-motivation. After working so hard for so long I have a rather laid back last semester. I am taking one class which only meets once a week. This has opened up more hours for me to work and much more time to myself. I even started to write a script!  I haven't written a proper script since eighth grade. Even though that is how I wanted to spend my last semester before starting up the hard work again I keep finding myself eager to get to the point where I can actually start making money working in TV.

I have built a great academic resume and have years of experience working with a large diverse population of people along with a ton of other useful skills... but none of which could get me in the door to TV Production yet. As far as I know, anyway. When I browse through friends Facebook pages, a lot of whom have finished their undergraduate degrees, they are either working in their field or in grad school while also working in their field. I get so envious of this! I know my time is coming but I am just so eager to be there.

It just seems like all these people get to just live there lives doing all these exciting things while I am stuck here, not doing anything special per say, as I go through my transition. I know I will do exciting things in my future but it's the waiting part that feels like it lasts forever. I only submitted my application to Emerson 10 days ago and it already feels like an eternity. I keep going in circles of checking the Emerson Portal (even though I know nothing has changed), going to the BBC work experience page and day dreaming about possible future internships, researching Emerson acceptance rates, reading and re-reading the different Transfer Student info pages at Emerson.edu, drafting my prospective Emerson class schedule if accepted, researching the clubs and organizations I want to join while a student at Emerson, and so many other internet searches on the things I want to get involved in.

I can't stop anxiously waiting for May. May 15th is Emerson's decision notification day... My future depends on that decision. I can't help but be consumed by thoughts, concerns, and anxiety. That, and I seriously cannot wait to go to Costa Rica. Which, just so happens to start on May 18th. May is going to be a big month for me. Unless, of course, Emerson informs me of a decision before May. In which case, I suppose May will still be huge because I'M GOING TO COSTA RICA!!

I just can't wait to be living my dream. I can't wait til I am traveling, making TV magic happen, and making enough money to finally fully support myself, my needs and wants, and Ryan. I can't wait to be meeting big names and making a big name for myself. I can't wait to experience more of life and continue to grow as a person. I can't wait to give back to my community and help good causes. I just can't wait to have a life beyond college.

The Strange Man in a Blue Suit

My life has been filled with unexplainable occurrences.

Recently they've been frequently appearing as strange coincidences. Leading up to what just happened. Which, I am rather confused about. I also had a friend over who witnessed it happen.

Let me back track a few weeks to explain the "strange coincidences".

Ryan and I have been watching Doctor Who since Christmas time. We will watch it a few nights a week and usually multiple episodes in one night.

I had been pondering the concept of change and how nothing lasts forever; the only constant in life is change. Or death, but death is also a change from life. So, yes, the only constant is change. A few days later and this thought was already long gone from my mind. Ryan and I sat down to watch some Doctor Who. Several minutes into the episode the camera cuts to a close up of the tenth doctor, at which point he exclaimed "change is the only constant." It immediately triggered my memory of having that exact thought only days prior. I paused the show, told Ryan, and went about the rest of my night.

A night or two later I noticed an update on Facebook from Scarefest announcing a few of their 2013 guests. One of their guests is the host of the show Destination Truth. I'm not particularly a fan of this show but I respect that this person was able to make a career where he travels, investigates paranormal or mythological claims, and is a well known TV show host.  Something I would also like to do. Ryan had never seen the show so I offered to show him an episode. I opened Netflix on our PS3 and started browsing through the different seasons and episodes. I stopped at the episode on Pompeii and decided that soundsed like a cool one to watch. The next night Ryan and I decided to resume where we left off in Doctor Who. I opened it up in Netflix and before hitting the X button to play the episode I happened to glance at the title... The Fires of Pompeii... that marked the second coincidence in a row with this TV show. I pointed it out to Ryan.

A day or so later Ryan and I are laying on the couch taking a nap. I had a weird dream about bees. I was drowning them in some flavored liquid so they would also marinate. I wanted to add them into the ground beef I was browning. I remember being conflicted in my dream about eating the bees. I didn't want to but I also remembered a time where I did and liked it. I then awoke and told Ryan of my weird dream. I can't remember if it was later that day or the next day, but either way, Ryan and I went to watch Doctor Who. To my surprise the bad guy in this episode was a huge BEE! Not only that but the bee's father had drowned and died and at the end of that episode that bee drowned and died. That was now THREE times in a row where what I thought, dreamed, or did in real life showed up in Doctor Who. I actually felt weirded out at that point.

A few nights later and I have this absolutely wonderful dream about the Doctor flying me, Mrs. Cook, and another friend away by using the moon's light. The dream itself could be a separate blog entry. I woke up with such a happy feeling. The time period it was set in, the wardrobe, the carelessness, the absence of bad, just genuine, happy, innocent living (and dancing). It was beautiful. But, back to the point. The Doctor harnessed the energy to fly us across the sky by harnessing the energy from the light of the moon. Yes, in real life, I am aware that the moon only reflects the light of the sun and isn't an actual light source. Moving on... So another day or so goes by after I had that dream. Ryan and I once more sat down to watch Doctor Who. The episode was Silence in the Library. In this episode there is a character, Dr. Moon. I didn't think much of it until the scene where the Doctor is in the library and points his sonic screwdriver up at the moon and started to realize its purpose. The moon was an artificial moon that maintained the computer systems on the planet it orbited through wireless connection. This moon was built by Felman Lux to protect CAL, his youngest daughter who became the Library's computer. It was interesting to me that after having a dream specifically about the moon, that in the next episode I watched, the moon played a significant role.

I was able to finish season four without anymore of these coincidences. Not that I minded having them.

That leads me to today. My friend Matthew came over so we could journal all our ideas for a possible sitcom we want to write, film, and act in together. He had his acting debut in my parody Jurassic Sock. I was explaining to him why I chose certain clips to edit and why I left others out. I told him I still had the original exported video of each scene in chronological order. I wanted to play that for him to show him why it wouldn't work if presented in that way. Keep in mind I had exported this video as an mpeg several days ago. I watched it several times after exporting it and also had Ryan watch it. Nothing but my footage existed.

So, I opened the video and it started playing...except this time for a split second before my footage started there was a clip of a man in a blue suit, smiling, with his right hand in the air waving. You could see him from a little below his shoulders and up. It was almost cartoon caricature-like in the way that his head was made a lot larger than his body. I immediately paused the video, turned to Matt and asked "you saw that right?"  He did! He said he caught it at the corner of his eye so he wasn't able to make out specifics, but he saw it happen. I brought the video back to 00:00... Only my footage was showing. I started the video over multiple times and I also closed the whole program and re-opened it with the same video. Nothing but my normal footage played.

I don't really understand why the past few weeks have been filled with strange coincidences and now unexplainable things just occurring without coinciding with something else. But, it is exciting and I am interested in seeing what else may or may not happen.

Jurassic Sock

Initially my friends and I got together to film what would have a been a 60 second parody of Jurassic Park for the Jameson Empire Awards contest: Done in 60 Seconds. Unfortunately, I later found, by no help of the Rules and Regulations on their website, that the United States is excluded from this contest.

With that said, I wasn't going to let footage go to waste! I considered finishing the 60 second parody regardless of if I was able to submit it or not... but I didn't want to limit what I could use/do in post production.

There were scenes I had to cut to make the final product make sense. Since we didn't film with the intentions of re-making every scene in its entirety, what you see is the best use of what scenes we did shoot.

Also, stay tuned for outtakes at the end!

I am still very much an amateur, but this project was a great learning experience. A few things I have learned are:

1) Always rent a lighting kit
2) Make sure you are always recording sound. Sound can be removed if necessary but realistic sounds can't always be put in. Cue dramatic music.
3) How not to use a green screen.
4) My version of Avid Studio is annoying to use. It isn't "user error" either. I have my qualified, Berklee graduate, tech support manager/tech guru boyfriend to vouch for that.
5) Don't choose a movie based in a warm climate to film in the middle of winter, in New England, while wearing summer clothes and bearing the cold for hours on end.
6) I was able to bring an idea to life. I took what was in my head, with the help of my friends, and turned it into something tangible. I took this project from pre-post production. I wrote the script, cast the roles, gathered a crew, managed a crew,  directed, acted, produced, and did post-production. All of which wouldn't have been possible without the amazing people who shared my vision.

Though I do have a minor soundtrack to my short film I do not claim to own the rights of the Jurassic Park Theme Song or Les Friction- Louder Than Words.

My Journey to Emerson at a 3 Year Glance

Just about three years ago (it will be exactly three years in March), I set out on my journey to Emerson College. Having only a GED in hand I had to face the reality that I wasn't exactly Emerson material... yet. I knew I had the passion and drive that Emerson looks for, but I didn't have the credentials, experience, and resume to show as proof to the kind of person I am. This meant I had to attend community college in order to have all the necessary requirements fulfilled before applying and giving myself a chance at being accepted.  I wasn't exactly thrilled about this but it was what I had to do.

Bunker Hill Community College for some reason had always stood out to me. If I had to be stuck going to community college in the first place, I might as well go to Bunker Hill. To my surprise, going to Bunker Hill has changed my life. But this entry isn't about my experience at Bunker Hill.

On February 8th, 2013 I submitted my Common Application and Emerson Supplements. All other required documents I had delivered in January. A few days later I received my email from Emerson admission giving me my Emerson ID so I could sign into the Application Portal and check the status of my application, as well as view the list of required documents and the dates they received them. I was so excited that I even took a screen shot of that page. I can't believe my journey to get to Emerson has finally reached its ending. Now I await their decision.

That's when I started over analyzing, as I do... What if I get accepted to Emerson but I'm not actually cut out for what I love to do? Not only that, but to truly gain experience and take advantage of what Emerson has to offer, I must get involved in the college's organizations. How will I be able to balance a full time course-load, one which I am sure is more demanding of me than that of Bunker Hill, and join clubs, make art, work, and pass... all at the same time? Will I find what I am really good at? Will I find my niche?

I have also taken a much different route than a lot of the people I know who are interested in film, TV, acting, production, etc. So many of them are always working on some sort of project. They have a portfolio, even if it is amateur, they are always creating. I, on the other hand, put creating on hold to focus on my academic and leadership skills. I put all of me into building the kind of student that shouldn't have a hard time being accepted by four year universities, particularly Emerson. Once upon a time all I did was create, perform, and film. Then real life happened and it became harder to do. When the time came to go to Bunker Hill, it was now or never. I had to get my act together. Which meant focusing my time and abilities on other responsibilities. I worried that because I haven't been so "film focused" that this might mean I am not cut out for the environment at Emerson.

When I mentioned some of my concerns to Ryan he did a good job at comforting me and reminding me that when I go to Emerson, it is going to be a whole new experience. The kind of stress I may have is going to be so different from the stress I have now. I will be busy and stressed, but it will be much more rewarding because I will be working on the things I love. I won't be stressed over the amount of reading and writing I have to do for some Gen Ed class that I have to take. I will be stressing over things I actually enjoy. Also, it doesn't matter if I took a different path and have created less in the past few years. That doesn't predict my chances at success or failure. I could have a more successful career over some of those who payed more attention to creating and less to professionalism, and time management when they were students.

This all got me thinking about my preconceived notions about attending a community college. I didn't think I could learn or gain anything new that I hadn't already learned from my struggles in the real world. I couldn't have been more wrong. My life has changed in so many wonderful ways since becoming a student at Bunker Hill. I was awoken to my talents, potential, and purpose. Getting involved in things I never imagined for myself has shown me that my voice is valued, important, and has power. Opportunities have presented themselves to me that I never conceived possible for a community college. If I can be surprised by the opportunities and growth that Bunker Hill has to offer, just imagine what could be waiting for me at Emerson. I am naive to what Emerson has to offer. I mean really offer. I know they have connections within the industry,  professors who are professionals in their professions outside of the school, state of the art facilities, successful alumni, wonderful organizations, and the perfect environment for students to cultivate their skills. But until I am a student at Emerson and living the experiences, I won't fully understand exactly what that school will do for me.

Until then, I have videos to watch and students' stories to listen to and feel inspired by. I can only dream of what is to come for me.

Passion Links Emerson Students: A video showcasing the opportunities available to unsuspecting students. :)

Alumni Speak about their success because of Emerson.

More student testimonies about their involvement at Emerson.

A video about the doors that Emerson has opened to a student's success.